My beautiful Starlight,

I know what you have compromised to be with me, a part of who you thought you were. You came into a relationship with two people. Not one with a man who hid a woman from you, only for you to discover later. But one in which you knew it all up front, in which you knew what was being asked of you. In reality, you were presented with an option… and you chose to pursue it. You chose to be brave, brave enough to find out where this path might lead, what this life was all about. But not brave enough to go all-in.

My problem is, you said you loved me, and I placed my heart in your hands. While you don’t know me well enough to know what I’m capable of or how I think, rather than talk to me about it, you make assumptions as if I were anybody else. You ask that I be understanding, yet refuse to demonstrate the length and depth of that understanding yourself… or is it that you’ve shown me the limits which you’ve expected of me. Have I not met them then, or perhaps you wouldn’t know because you refuse to hear me. You ask me for patience, but you shut me out at a whim. Was it so difficult to bear with me, as you have asked me to bear with you. could we not shoulder that difficulty together. You ask me to meet your needs, but you ignore mine in the process. Is that how love looks to you. Is that all its worth. You wanted space, so I had to figure out how to give that to you. I only needed time to give you time, did you have no faith in me. So you abandoned me, even as I was struggling to meet your request. I gave you 100%, because I only go all-in, and I’m not the type to go backwards. So imagine it was hard for me to set a part of myself aside. A part I even tried to bury but could not. A part that wants you to be mine without exception, as he would be yours… inseparable in our wholeness. A part which does not question, only believes. A part that though it was breaking, only wanted to Love you more… to use each broken piece to give you that much more Love, because each part of my heart can Love you 100%. I only asked for a little consideration while I made efforts to contain him, to endure his pain, his fear that he might be forgotten. And when it was done, when I could see that part of me that is your friend, your family, struggling to stand the victor, you met my efforts with contempt. I was standing there as you had asked me to be. I only needed you to give me an hour or two, to let me show you my resolve, show you that I was able to meet your needs. I only wanted you to lick my wounds, that I might stand before you renewed from my battle. A small victory in a war that you had already won, as even enemies tend to the wounded. I had met your needs, and only wanted you to do the same… to show me that you saw me, that you cared in some small way about my need. You needed space, I needed to be treated like I mattered to you at all. To be shown that you might take the smallest loss for me, if given the chance, and set aside your pride this once. An affirmation that I wasn’t so easily disposed of, though in truth you had already won. All I wanted was an illusion, a token of reassurance that any of it actually mattered to you.

In the end, I have begged you, not to run away from this. I have been naked and on my knees before your mercy. showing you how much it meant to me that we somehow find a way to walk through this together… only to give in to your will, only to crumble in front of you. Yet, my only regret is that I require too much of you. All this time you thought I was an asshole, I was being nice, being compromised. I’d hate to know what you think of the man I reveal to people I care nothing for, or those who accept me (those I believe in, as I tried to believe in you). In truth, I never stopped to doubt that you were strong enough to handle me, that some part of you wanted me. I never imagined that you would shut me out, that there was anything we could not talk our way through. I guess, In the end I believed in you too much… and perhaps I have been weak this whole time, afraid to lose something I never really had. Pathetic in my desperation, as if the strength of my feelings would have any weight.

Could you ever really have been mine, was that ever a possibility? Maybe you’re not very honest with yourself. Maybe that’s why I find it all so confusing. Or maybe you were just a good liar, until your lies no longer served their purpose, and like me you discarded them. Because, I thought you Loved me, I thought it possible… us. If I thought one day you’d use it, I’d probably leave a door open. But that’s just going to leave a cold draft. I see now, that you’d never use it, that it would be the furthest thing from your mind. I see that you want for nothing that you’ve left behind, that you so easily cast it all aside. Besides, even if I did, what you would find waiting for you would not be what you left behind. Though the Love would be there, it would be a new beginning, for us all… it would be the right way… the way I suppose I thought you were to fragile to endure, the uncompromising truth of me. Because I am a work of art… and I make no apologies.