If you saw a box, in the middle of a room filled with boxes, most people would assume the box was filled with whatever was in all the other boxes. They would make this assumption without so much as worrying what might be in any of the boxes. They assume this, because they assume they understand the nature of the box, its purpose, its function. So if that box only appeared to be like the others, no one might ever know that it was different, so long as it continued to appear the same. For instance, if someone emptied the contents of the box and sealed it back up. No one would ever know that it was empty unless they opened it up and looked inside. In that way the box is kind of like Schrodinger’s Cat, the box is both empty and full until you look inside, all of the boxes are. Then again, what if you wanted to hide something in the box, no one would ever no to look for it there until they opened it up and saw it lying there. You might be wondering where I’m going with all this by now… and if I were to tell you I killed someone today, you might not be surprised, because you’re thinking I hid the body in a box. Well, I didn’t… put the body in a box that is. But before I get into any of that, you’re probably still wondering why the hell I’m talking about boxes. The thing is, i think people are like boxes, until you look inside… you’ll never really know what’s in there… what they might be hiding from you.

I’m not really like everyone else, but that’s a matter of choice really… well, mostly. I was born normal, more or less, but what is normal. Anger, that was my cardinal trait, the thing that defined who I was. I lived with it every day. There were other things too, of course. like fear, pride, curiosity, nobility, and the moments of happiness that always seemed to slip away. But anger was the only one that could consume me… turn me into something else. It never really controlled me, the way some people say… it was more like a sword or a shield I could pick up when I felt the need to fight. Otherwise, I probably seemed like the quiet kid. But if I had to fight, I would let it lose like a flood of rage rolling over my opponent… and there was no stopping it, until it was over. I’d like to say, that I was fine the rest of the time, but that wouldn’t exactly be the truth. No, the truth would be that I was in control the rest of the time, because I was shut down. Even if some part of me was fuming, I wasn’t aware of it, because I just didn’t care. But I only know I didn’t care, because there were things that made me care… things that I loved. It was a type of contrast that could best be described like a light switch, only there were three states… one off, and two on. To only ever think about the way things were with no real ability to understand them, is like being trapped in a picture book, no single day any more important than the next, no memories worth holding onto… and the only escape borne from events beyond your control. Suddenly being overwhelmed by the love you feel at seeing your siblings laughing and playing with you, until someone gets hurt. Or, the inevitable confrontation with yet another bully that didn’t seem to get the memo from the last bully you unleashed your furious rage on. But its funny how all that changes with a few decisions and a new perspective. That is to say, there’s more than one way not to feel anything… and I know how strange that must sound, but that doesn’t make it any less true. You see some people, presumably, can’t feel anything. Others, can shut themselves down, or put up walls… bury or hide their feelings, from themselves as well as others. Then, some people can live a life beyond emotions… either because they are consumed by reason, or because they have mastered those emotions.

To understand, you have to know that their was a period where I indulged my every emotion… though I had overcome the need for anger, because I no longer felt the need to fight. Whether that was because I no longer felt like their was any possibility that I would ever lose a fight, regardless of the state I was in, or because I had simply grown tired of fighting would require more thought than I care to give it. But it was a romantic period of my life, where the only bad feelings I wanted to feel was that of heartbreak… otherwise I was in love or taking a break from love to hang with friends. Truth be told, I even forgot what it was like not to feel anything, because I had decided to wear my heart on my sleeve… to never hide my emotions, from myself or anyone else. Now I couldn’t tell you how many of my emotions were artificially inflated from the slightest feeling I experienced, but I know that I gave my emotions a license to run wild. Not that I ever stopped being in control, just that I had chosen to indulge that side of myself. I only really cared about understanding myself… my cardinal trait had become Honesty, because that was the only way I was ever going to understand the truth. See, more than anything, the Truth is probably the most important thing I can conceive of, the thing I desire most of all… and that creates a powerful perspective, because in the end perspective is determined by motive, the reason why some one does something. Which brings us back to the life I took.

See, one day I decided it was time to move on, and I realized that my indulgence had run its course. So I decided to stop living through my emotions, and remove them to the background. They were fun but ultimately pointless… a distraction, that never brought me anywhere near happiness. That’s because emotions are counter intuitive to peace, to contentment, an insane juggling act which uses your mental health as a stage to throw the piece of your life up into the air. But the really interesting thing is, that when I did that, when I emptied myself of those emotions, I became something new. You see, I’m like a box too… an empty box… and when I come in contact with other people, I can see the world the way they do. I begin to experience all the things that fill their box, the person that they are. I can see their memories, experience their dreams, feel their emotions, and sometimes I can even know their thoughts… sometimes I even know what they’re planning to do.

I know what you’re saying, people have bad thoughts all the time, sometimes crazy things just pop into your mind… and that’s true enough, you can even blame exposure to media or even to life itself… and your’re right, most people don’t act on those thoughts, they don’t indulge those impulses, but some people do. Especially once you’ve lived with the same ones for awhile… constantly wearing you down, until its all you can think of. Then finally, one day they just snap. But I thought the same way, I figured there could be a thousand explanations why I saw the things I did. But then I had to live with it. The first time it was a robbery, nobody got hurt… I could let it go. The next time it wasn’t. The next time, the guy killed his wife, his kid, and finally himself. But OK, that guy snapped… its not like I could go around dealing with everybody who was on the edge of breaking right, I mean there was no guarantee he was going to go through with it… it wasn’t like he had it all planned out. But then, somebody did, and I made excuses about why I shouldn’t get involved. I mean he was a dangerous man, and the police weren’t going to arrest him because I got some kind of premonition. He killed his boss, and buried him in the woods. He had it all planned out, so I was able to give the police an anonymous tip that led them to the body. They ended up catching him thanks to that, but it didn’t change the fact that I could have saved an innocent woman’s life.

In the end, its the fact that premonitions don’t really count as evidence of a crime. So ultimately, its up to me to do something about it… I mean, I have this ability for a reason right. That’s why I’m burying this body in that same hole in the woods. Nobodies going to go checking through an old crime scene the police already filled in, because they already know what was in the box. A lot of people don’t realize this, but the actual sin reads “Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder” defined as, to kill without just cause. This time I get to save a school bus full of kids, from a very very sick man… and that seems like a just cause to me. I’m sure that’s for God to judge in the end, but I mean, who wears clown make-up with a gas mask… even on Halloween that’s just creepy, right. He was going to drive them to a cabin in the woods and do monstrous things. He was going to knock them all out with the gas he’d filled the giant tanks marked helium with. Maybe it was a crazy plan, and maybe he would have been caught before things got dangerous. But what if he’d managed to pull it off. there’s no way I was going to live with that.

I really hate clowns…